Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
