you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
