Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
