On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just want nice things and good sex
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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