Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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