Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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