im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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