when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
