Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize