Umm I'm too high to move.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
