I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
