I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
