can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
