I wish I could punch you in the face.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
3pm strippers are depressing
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
