one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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