Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
