I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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