the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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