Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
