I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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