I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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