I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
