Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
