So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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