it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
