babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
