somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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