I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize