I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
