I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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