everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
