i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
