Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
