I am puke
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize