so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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