Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize