Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
