I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
