Sober January is a disaster.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
