stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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