The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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