So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
