I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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