My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
