He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
