does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
