Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize