If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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