I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
