shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
