A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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