I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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