I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
