My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
