hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
