there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
