You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
