Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
