He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
