first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
