One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize