So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
