textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
