Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Randomize
