So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
