DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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