Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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