be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
found the other keg... it's in the tree
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
