I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
