Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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