Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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