1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
