oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize