Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
